"When your legs are tired, walk with your heart." in his book- Manuscript found in Accra.
Amazing simple words from one of my favorite authors. "She always says that" you say. I know-I know! I could say this about 15 or 20 authors if pressed. It's words, remember? I love them. Especially ones that inspire me and move me. Or make me cry and scream with laughter. I could fill entire pages on my blog about him or quote him everyday if I didn't know a few things. First thing I know is in MY blog the words mostly need to come from my own heart and from the road I have traveled. Second because I believe everyone needs to discover good words and people like Paolo Coelho on their own terms in their own way. It's my hope that you do.
This phrase I share with you I happened to come across this morning while drinking my coffee in my sun filled and surprisingly chilly kitchen (Surprising? I live in arizona remember?). It stopped me dead in my tracks today. It struck me so that I read it over and over. For many reasons. I understand these words. I mean I reeaaaallllyy understand them.
Yes. My legs are real tired lately. All this forced lying around after surgeries and procedures got them that way. EFF U cancer. So my legs are weaker now. My legs that have carried me through so much. That helped me walk right over some high drama like it ain't nobody's business. My legs would do that quick -oh my, I think see some crazy ass stuff getting ready to go down- and walked me right out of it doing that quick walk half jog using your arms. But not lately. I often wonder what is the reason behind the reason I have been made to be so still lately. Who knows. I haven't figured it out. And I sure don't try to. It's important to not let that kinda stuff run too long in my head. You know what stuff I'm talking about. In case you don't I'll say it here. I don't care for vagueness too much (except for when it comes to my age then I'm all about that shit). The kind of questions that cause you to wonder what is it you did so terribly bad in your life that got you to where you are. Well it's nonsense baloney thinking and doesn't deserve space in my head now. So I don't go there. Well maybe for 3 seconds. Then I get distracted with something interesting my dog is doing or a funny email a good friend sent me.
So in all reality I HAVE been using my heart to help me walk. My strong heart loaded with conviction and faith. It's my heart that knows quite a bit how to handle adversity and it's my heart that's rooted in good thoughts about myself and others. And my mind. My steady focused mind that has helped me to not run screaming through halls saying awful non sensical things peppered with lots and lots of bad words. It's not like I haven't thought about it. The silly and outright irreverent thoughts that run through my mind as I go from doctor office to doctor office have kept me rooted in sanity. Mostly. I do say mostly because of my past blog entry about throwing baking products. That wasn't my most sane lucid moment. Wheeeeew aren't we glad that's not happening on the daily. It's not a question. It's a fact. We are glad.
It's the hearts of others that has carried me. The amazing and plentiful love of my family. The love and spirit of kind friends. And strangers. People I didn't even know until now. It's their hearts and love that has carried me when I simply could not stand much less walk. Their uplifting spirit, jokes, cards, words and love has downright snapped me out of ---oooohhhhh I wanna go sit in the I'll feel sorry for myself constantly corner.
Amazing simple words from one of my favorite authors. "She always says that" you say. I know-I know! I could say this about 15 or 20 authors if pressed. It's words, remember? I love them. Especially ones that inspire me and move me. Or make me cry and scream with laughter. I could fill entire pages on my blog about him or quote him everyday if I didn't know a few things. First thing I know is in MY blog the words mostly need to come from my own heart and from the road I have traveled. Second because I believe everyone needs to discover good words and people like Paolo Coelho on their own terms in their own way. It's my hope that you do.
This phrase I share with you I happened to come across this morning while drinking my coffee in my sun filled and surprisingly chilly kitchen (Surprising? I live in arizona remember?). It stopped me dead in my tracks today. It struck me so that I read it over and over. For many reasons. I understand these words. I mean I reeaaaallllyy understand them.
Yes. My legs are real tired lately. All this forced lying around after surgeries and procedures got them that way. EFF U cancer. So my legs are weaker now. My legs that have carried me through so much. That helped me walk right over some high drama like it ain't nobody's business. My legs would do that quick -oh my, I think see some crazy ass stuff getting ready to go down- and walked me right out of it doing that quick walk half jog using your arms. But not lately. I often wonder what is the reason behind the reason I have been made to be so still lately. Who knows. I haven't figured it out. And I sure don't try to. It's important to not let that kinda stuff run too long in my head. You know what stuff I'm talking about. In case you don't I'll say it here. I don't care for vagueness too much (except for when it comes to my age then I'm all about that shit). The kind of questions that cause you to wonder what is it you did so terribly bad in your life that got you to where you are. Well it's nonsense baloney thinking and doesn't deserve space in my head now. So I don't go there. Well maybe for 3 seconds. Then I get distracted with something interesting my dog is doing or a funny email a good friend sent me.
So in all reality I HAVE been using my heart to help me walk. My strong heart loaded with conviction and faith. It's my heart that knows quite a bit how to handle adversity and it's my heart that's rooted in good thoughts about myself and others. And my mind. My steady focused mind that has helped me to not run screaming through halls saying awful non sensical things peppered with lots and lots of bad words. It's not like I haven't thought about it. The silly and outright irreverent thoughts that run through my mind as I go from doctor office to doctor office have kept me rooted in sanity. Mostly. I do say mostly because of my past blog entry about throwing baking products. That wasn't my most sane lucid moment. Wheeeeew aren't we glad that's not happening on the daily. It's not a question. It's a fact. We are glad.
It's the hearts of others that has carried me. The amazing and plentiful love of my family. The love and spirit of kind friends. And strangers. People I didn't even know until now. It's their hearts and love that has carried me when I simply could not stand much less walk. Their uplifting spirit, jokes, cards, words and love has downright snapped me out of ---oooohhhhh I wanna go sit in the I'll feel sorry for myself constantly corner.
You see I need to declare this now. It's a reminder to me and a powerful one. For the reason we have only begun to walk on the cancer is a cray cray punk azz that will weaken you till you are down on your knees road. It will if I let it. So I don't. And I won't.
I have my chemotherapy dates now. It's seems this last little skin burning more stitches procedure did the trick. EFF U some more cancer. So after many months and procedures my skin has stayed closed, finally. We sure had some high fives up in my surgeons office the other day. This clears the road for chemotherapy. And going to the hospital to get my port placement done. After I smiled and did the high five I got a momentary look of confusion of my face. Like wait? what? Well, It's time.
I know this because my oncologist promptly said when I visited him last-two weeks. He took at gander at the latest work and without hesitation said- two weeks. Eeeeeee. I almost had spontaneous diarrhea. Not actual diarrhea. Just some kind of pre diarrheal bubbly guts movement in my stomach upon hearing those words. I knew it was coming but somehow when he said that I got that feeling and made noises. Then I gave him an opportunity to think it over while my legs nervously swung under the examining table. Nothing doing.
Two weeks it is. January 23rd. It's closed up he said and we are ready. We are??? Nurse muneca agreed. She came with me that day because he wanted to meet her. And she wanted to meet him. So they met and they both agreed.
Off we go to sit with the scheduler who looked at the order and started to punch a ton of things in the computer and there you have it. I'm booked for the next 3 months. There is more coming after that it's just they only go out so far. I get to have more chemo, a different drug, for 12 long weeks after these first ones. I'm gonna be pretty busy it seems.
So while I said before I got 99 problems and chemo ain't one. I of course shall amend that previous statement. A take back if you will. I tell you now that I will without shame or hesitation rely on the hearts and love of others to carry me through.
