The way we organize our lives

Very often centers around what's happening in it at the time.

For me it's having things to organize the cancer stuff. This phrase alone makes me roll my eyes a bit. I promise you. And of course me being me I resisted this idea at first. Not being organized rather resisting giving more space to this frustrating all encompassing disease. However the situation at hand doesn't allow anything else. In all my other ways in life I do my best to not let chaos and disorder ruin my flow and movement so it must be applied here. Just a little odd, that's all. 

 Happily I can say that all appointments with my Doctors and related visits are confirmed through email. I read it, send an email to my daughter to calendar it for the family to stay updated and in it goes to my cancer email folder. Although sheepishly I admit it has a bad word before it with an arrow pointing at the word cancer. I created the folder on a day when I was feeling overwhelmed and not all together. I recall punching the keys on my keyboard a little harder than needed when typing in that folder description. It does make me smile sometimes now when I see it. Judge me not for it's my only form of allowed rebellion and a way to show my dislike of the whole situation without screaming for 5 full minutes in a row while kicking my feet on the ground. Without interruption. Hey, I never said having cancer would mature me anymore. 

So now I have a cancer bag that I put all my reports, receipts, films and my notebook for questions that I cart around almost everyday. I'm in fear of running to an important appointment not able to present what's needed, thus failing to get the information to take the next step. I tried at first to make it just a cancer folder. I chose a nice clean white one. Practicality and functionality forced that right out the window. Hence the bag. 

I even have a cancer pen. You know that goes in the bag. To avoid fumbling around when I need to jot down my info at a moments notice. But still. It's a cancer pen.

It might all seem normal to anyone else. Right? We organize and label according to our life at the moment. And eventually it will to me. Maybe. It's just I often find myself stuck between two places. One is a functioning normal person processing tough things at a terribly difficult time. Calmly positively moving in the direction I need to fight this and get back to my normal self (will I ever be normal again I wonder). Another is a person who wants to quit this ridiculous job of fighting cancer throwing my keys on the desk and walk away while mumbling this isn't me, you've made a mistake. 

So organizing, filing and labeling provides a small illusion of order and control on an extremely fast moving train. That job? I'll accept it.