Well we always have time to think don't we? But when we are multi tasking or running around just living life it may not be as centered as we would like or as clear. At this time for me it appears I'm in a way demanded (I don't want to say forced) to sit or be still somewhat. For a while. Doesn't really matter if I like it or not. That's just the way it is. The good in this is it allows me to have more centered thoughts.
What I have been thinking a lot about during this last month is quite a few things but I can assure you at the tippy top of thought list is not my cancer. I do think about it of course. I have to. To say that I didn't would be just straight up lying. It's that it sure doesn't completely occupy my each and every thought. I think about it clinically or in a detached sense. Sometimes in a funny ridiculous way, yes that too. I've always done this when tough or hard things come my way. It helps me process in a way that doesn't completely engulf me. It allows me to be freer to make choices and decisions. Really really tough decisions, some I don't want to make but I need to. Times ticks louder it seems when you have a more aggressive type of cancer.
So for a long time now especially lately I use my time when I can to think about ways to be inspired, to find and keep enthusiasm in me, to look for all the beauty that is right in front of me. In others, places, or words. It doesn't matter. For the very important reason is that I feel strongly my job is to remain in my center and in light. As much as strength allows and no matter what comes my way. No matter what. Of course I have a job or career that I love, that I need to pack up and drive to everyday. Well not now, soon though. I'm referring to my job as a human or person.
Life has shown me no doubt that it's far easier to stay in the middle or remain in a good vibration than try to lift myself up higher when all the way down. My my, has that ever been revealed to me. Talking in the mental sense, if I want to go higher or feel higher I simply lift my pinky finger to get up where I need or want. Easy peasy.
The physical sense? Weeeelll that's a lil bit different story. These last few days it's just harder for me to move from lying down to in the simple get up position. Even inches. If I decide to lie down or sit back I had betta be committed to that, for a little bit at least. Every single day, every morning, every time I have to get up. And you wanna know what? It sucks. Sure does. My process has been to stay there for a bit, think about it, visualize, pep talk myself some, take some deep breathes, some false moves and then finally move. Slowly so very carefully. Yes, it hurts that much. Its my biggest struggle of the day. So what do I do, what's the cure? Stay upright all day? Ha-if only. Life it seems isn't that simple and doesn't always allow us to avoid pains or struggles. Physical or mental. Which is why I realize my job of staying in the light or higher vibration in every sense is important. So there is my action now. I'll apply it each and every morning and throughout my day.
I have had many incredible people call me, write to me, reach out to me in so many forms. How very beautiful to not just believe people are with you or love you but to receive actual confirmation. We don't always get that luxury do we? What the common theme seems to be besides I have a funny outlook on life is that I may be inspiring or that I'm a positive person. That's wonderful. Surely I want others to feel my love for life, for them and all things. What else would I want them to know? That's it's not just now because of my diagnosis or that I only present it occasionally and then hide in a corner to break down, feeling sorry for myself or sad. Melancholy maybe (smiling) but not actual sorrow for myself.
I have been working my thought muscle in good ways for far too long and it's been ready. Now its clear what I have to work is my stomach muscles (slight grimace) to get myself upright easier, to the middle, although physical this time and with less pain. I'll do it, of course I will. The beauty of life and time I find is it never ever stays the same. Movement is my prescription now.
Why I'm sharing this with you is not ever to illicit emotions in you to feel sorry for me. We all have pain. Its simply to share what's going on right now. More important I believe it's for me. Whatever I say I direct towards myself first. Whatever else anyone gets from it is just some nice tasting gravy on a well cooked meal.
