I got 99 problems but a chemo ain't one

Well not yet anyway. While that IS coming in a few short weeks it's not on my
mind or agenda as much. You see because of my reoccurring skin infections/skin not coming together issues I'm pretty busy. I probably should be focusing on that storm coming my way or at very least engaging in wild, carefree last days with hair feeling strong before I head off into that tundra. Storm/tundra=chemo metaphor.

But I'm not and I can't for the fact that the last month and in particular these last few weeks and days are all encompassing laser beam focused on one particular kinda hard to see small patch of skin area. Funny when I think that its in an area where later the war or battle that's occurring is supposed to not be easily found due to fine surgeons using their skilled hands. Unless, of course someone is all up in that funky town. I say with confidence that sure wasn't happening before and it definitely isn't after.

I have always believed pure unabashed total nakedness should come shrouded or cloaked in lots of mystery, very low faint lights (think small candle some 20 feet away) and strategic draping, maybe with some Barry White music. Not at all on the regular, out in the open, in the daytime with harsh non forgiving overhead lighting, take your shirt off and contort body to get a peek way-all the while showing others, over and over. I mean has anyone even been to a nude beach, like in the daytime?!?? Not me, however I feel strongly to my core it's not pretty.

Why do I believe this?? Simple. Because I'm not (and neither are you) a "super model" or this fictional person they call Gisele Bundchen. She doesn't even exist!! She is a made up fake person, who we are led to believe walks around all bronzed, toned and perfect in the daylight-daytime hours. Naked. I never even met someone who said they spoke to her.  Mystery, background music and low lighting is what us real people need. But breast cancer just doesn't allow it.

Lately my favorite part of the "let's have Lolita be really uncomfortable and learn how to practice grace in action" experiment is the constant conversations about it. Yes-oh yes I realize the irony of that statement as I make statements about uh the situation. It's just this is a day in the life now that borders on ridiculousness at times. At least it does to me.

Without fail after the Wednesday surgeries/procedures (3x's and finished counting) I get the Friday call from my surgeon office that starts with a simple Hello Lolita! Hi doctor (or assistant person) I say calmly and nonchalant like I don't know why she is calling. Ok, today is the day I want you to take off the surgical bandages, wash it with soap and water (FYI it-my boob) take a look and gauze it all up, then call me back she firmly instructs me. I act like I forget for minute when all morning I'm saying to myself five more minutes for like 50 minutes. I say to her in a question sorta not all the way convinced voice: ooooh yeaaa, today's the day huh, how about let's not and say we did hehe?? She laughs says you're funny, call me back. Click.

Crap! Of course I know I have to do this and of course I know it's important. It's just I'm bratty, remember? And a scardy cat. No getting around it I realize as I slowly trudge off to the bathroom half dragging, half kicking my fresh nightgown or house dress I'm going to wear after I do "all that stuff". It's always nightgown or house dresses while convalescing as I find with constant constriction tight feeling in your chest the last thing you want to do is constrict your waist area with anything. Not to mention I don't really own sweat pants and T-shirt type clothes. In any case it would make it a little more complicated for constant gauze changing/wound checking that has to happen from wake up to go to bed time.

So these are my days now. It's a full time job lately. I do of course resist saying out loud melodramatically I quit this job!!! Eh, no one will hear and it doesn't matter. I'm at the P.O.N.R. now. The road is way too narrow for turn around and go back. This is my place.

After the latest procedure this last Wednesday a friend messaged me out of concern wanting to help saying "oh my gosh, this is terrible, what can I do to help"? First let me share with you this is hands down the best question to ask a -holding shit sandwich person- by the way. Because it allows them to answer telling you just what really is needed. The answer could be to ask for more prayers, more emotional support, send me funny stuff, or keep in touch. The keeping in touch and funny stuff for me is important as the unexpected procedure after effects have me way more isolated for a longer period of time than I normally am. This is happening during holidays when people are all ready incredibly busy and stressed themselves.

So I told her with frankness and honesty that besides the fact that I'm over myself and I imagine everyone else is too, as in we should be talking about how stupid chemo us, how much that sucks with me blogging chemo can kiss my grits blah blah blah is that I really needed all of those things I listed above. Of course my friend agreed.

This time is a true test of mind over matter. Belief and faith my father told me as he stopped by a few days ago with more healthy healing food. So that's my prescription.

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.